Previously: Track List For My Upcoming Pop Album
It’s Not You, It’s My Alcohol Dependence
This Would Never Happen to Me if I Were Beyonce
Ate It Too Fast: The Ashley Chupp Story
Track List For My Upcoming Pop Album
Hope Everyone Who Was Ever Mean to Me Feels Really Bad About It
My Hair (Is Cooler Than Yours)
Narcotics
Boi, Let’s Screech Bird Calls All Nite
How to Have the Perfect First Date
I’ve taught you how to get that certain special someone to like you. You’ve captured the interest of your crush. So now what? You didn’t think I’d leave you hanging, did you? No, I am here for you every step of the way, my friend. As you prepare for your First Date with the object of your affections, you will have my guidance to ensure its success.
The first date classics? Dinner or grabbing drinks or going to the movies? BOOOOOORING!! Show them you’ve got style by taking them where they’ve never been before. Prison. Take them to the closest prison.
If you’re worried the conversation will lag, make a list of potential conversation topics beforehand. Some freebies for you: Obamacare, Jared Leto’s hair, HBO spoilers, your daily caloric intake, Daylight Savings, Beyonce and Jay vs. Kanye and Kim, possible band names, ranking Ninja Turtles, how to figure out your accurate bra size, what to name your firstborn (or firstadopted) child, an all-Zooey Deschanel Ghostbusters reboot, kale, performance art.
Men Talk to You About Feminism
(All of these things you’re about to read have been said to me by real men in my real life.)
Children of Celebrities 20 Years From Now
We all wonder what will become of the offspring of our favorite Wildly Popular Celebs. The children of the Rich and Famous invariably lead some pretty bonkers lives. Well, fortunately we won’t have to wait two decades to shame-read a Where Are They Now?-type Buzzfeed article to find out where these Celeb Kids end up. I have all the answers right here on my cheat sheet.
Half-Remembered Les Miserables Lyrics
I know anywhere between 10 and 30 percent of the lyrics to any given Les Mis song. I read the book and liked it well enough, but I’m just not that into musical theater. Sorry, I guess. This means I have to fill in a lot of blanks when Les Mis songs get stuck in my head which happens on occasion for some reason. Now I could keep my horrible little franken-songs quietly on a loop in my own head, or I could share them with the world.
If I Wrote For Friends
Friends is on Netflix, people! FRIENDS IS ON NETFLIX.
I’ve seen all 200 plus episodes, and I still could watch 200 more. Ten years of stories about the Central Perk gang somehow just aren’t enough for me. In fact, I have had to resort to coming up with my own adventures for my favorite group of relatable, struggling NYC twenty-somethings. Like these:
How to Get a Girl to Like You
Previously: How to Get a Boy to Like You
Buy her presents. So many presents. Buy her enough flowers, chocolates, stuffed animals and balloons to fill a small room. Actually fill a small room with the presents and lock her inside it.
Show her how you’re not like other guys. Other guys don’t have tiny horns hidden under their hair. Other guys don’t wake up screaming in the night, never knowing why. Other guys don’t share brainspace with the Dark Lord Satan like you do.
Things You Can Do Without a Law Degree
Are you going to or considering going to law school?
Don’t!
It turns out all the good parts of being a lawyer don’t even require a law degree. Why waste years of your life when you can start doing all these things today?
Things You Can Do Without a Law Degree
How to Get a Boy to Like You
Write his name in your blood on a piece of white silk. Burn the silk in view of the moon while wearing a silver necklace and say a prayer to Aphrodite.
Make out with all his friends until he starts to wonder what your problem with him is.
Start a rumor that you like him. Make sure everyone hears about it. If anyone confronts you, deny the rumor vehemently, making as much of a scene as possible. Make note of any difference in the way he treats you.
Tru Detctive 