How to Have the Perfect First Date

I’ve taught you how to get that certain special someone to like you. You’ve captured the interest of your crush. So now what? You didn’t think I’d leave you hanging, did you? No, I am here for you every step of the way, my friend. As you prepare for your First Date with the object of your affections, you will have my guidance to ensure its success.

The first date classics? Dinner or grabbing drinks or going to the movies? BOOOOOORING!! Show them you’ve got style by taking them where they’ve never been before. Prison. Take them to the closest prison.

If you’re worried the conversation will lag, make a list of potential conversation topics beforehand. Some freebies for you: Obamacare, Jared Leto’s hair, HBO spoilers, your daily caloric intake, Daylight Savings, Beyonce and Jay vs. Kanye and Kim, possible band names, ranking Ninja Turtles, how to figure out your accurate bra size, what to name your firstborn (or firstadopted) child, an all-Zooey Deschanel Ghostbusters reboot, kale, performance art.

How to Get a Girl to Like You

Previously: How to Get a Boy to Like You

Buy her presents. So many presents. Buy her enough flowers, chocolates, stuffed animals and balloons to fill a small room. Actually fill a small room with the presents and lock her inside it.

Show her how you’re not like other guys. Other guys don’t have tiny horns hidden under their hair. Other guys don’t wake up screaming in the night, never knowing why. Other guys don’t share brainspace with the Dark Lord Satan like you do.

How to Get a Boy to Like You

Write his name in your blood on a piece of white silk. Burn the silk in view of the moon while wearing a silver necklace and say a prayer to Aphrodite.

Make out with all his friends until he starts to wonder what your problem with him is.

Start a rumor that you like him. Make sure everyone hears about it. If anyone confronts you, deny the rumor vehemently, making as much of a scene as possible. Make note of any difference in the way he treats you.